Drawing heavily from his knowledge of submerged civilizations, President Bush today informed the residents of the New Orleans Sea that they would need to "learn how to swim." Standing on the bow of a supertanker, Bush yelled down through his bullhorn that, like Kevin Costner in that "really wet Waterworld," New Orleans Sea dwellers would be expected to grow gills and breathe underwater. Bush immediately curtailed the use of federal funds to use stem cells to create underwater-breathing people.
"Self-determination is what makes this country great," Bush orated from on high. "I understand your pain and your loss, which is why the fight against terror must continue," the President exclaimed, in a rambling four-hour speech that covered topics as diverse as the Iraq war, space exploration, and the new giant-sized M&Ms. Bush promised to give each family who lost a relative in the flood one giant M&M, "just like in that funny commercial, you know, where the guy throws the big M&M up in the air and it hits him in the head and he falls down - that's funny." A spokesman for the Mars Candy Company, which makes M&Ms, quickly issued a press release indicating that, in fact, the M&M featured in the commercial was exagerated, and in fact the company does not make M&Ms that large. The price of M&Ms surged upward later as reports of troop movements near that M&M factory were confirmed by the Pentagon.
Bush cut short his six-month vacation to his ranch in Crawford, Texas, where he had been mercilessly harrased by "that woman whose boy up and got hisself kilt," as Bush described her. Bush noted he did not understand why the woman was so mad at him. "I say, if he chose to wear a kilt, which we all know is what those gay French boys wear now days, then the problem is with a mother who didn't raise her boy right," said Bush.
At a rally outside the new Walmart Marina, a Bush spokesman said from her dingy that rumors of dry land were just that - rumors. She was subsequently killed after announcing the President's plan to come by the marina later to distribute bottles of water.
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4 comments:
That's in bad taste, so I really like it.
BTW, Dude, I heard that a fleet of navy relief ships have left Norfolk and will be in the disaster area next week. My question is: Didn't they know this hurricane was coming? They knew it would be a big one at least 36 hours before it hit -- and they knew it was going to hit a populated area -- yet these relief ships are just leaving.
Sure, it took a while for the U.S. ships to reach the regions stricken by the tsunami last winter, but the tsunami took everyone by surprise. This hurricane didn't. I was hearing on Sunday morning that this one was going to be catastrphic. They should have put the ships to sea on Sunday -- Monday at the latest. [Dude -- as a former Navy man, could this have been done?] And if a miracle occurred and the damage was manageable, just turn the ships around
They won't send ships into the path or potential path of a hurricane. (Bearing in mind that I rode a ship through a hurricane!) I don't doubt that the ships got underway as soon as practical. What I want to know is, once they get there, where are they gonna dock? These are all going to have to be air-lift deals. I can almost guarantee that the demand on air groups will be so great that at least one will go down (just playing the odds).
Man that's funny . . . or was it true. I see a war on hurricanes/floods in our future.
Couldn't the ships have come in behind the hurricane? If the fleet had launched on Sunday, it would not have entered the Gulf until long after Katrina had passed.
I guess my point is that Bush is a politically minded person. Just look at what is happening today with his Gulf Coast photo-op timed perfectly with the arrival (finally) of troops. A good politician would have seen this coming and began relief prep days before relief was needed. Hell, even I knew this was going to be a monster when it entered the Gulf because the water temp in the Gulf these days is in the 90s.
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